You don't know this yet, but your mama is a thinker. I can be analytical to a fault, and equally as emotional. And because of this, I notice so much; the ticking clock, life going by, seasons and changes. And when I became your mother I think the days and hours and minutes whirling by only seemed to quicken. I felt like we were in our own little cocoon, the two of us, and the world kept speeding along, tugging at us to hurry up. And now you, my almost ten-month-old baby, are becoming more independent by the moment. Less wanting to nurse, more wanting to go-go-go, growing up before my eyes. Today I sat on the couch attempting to wrangle wild, squirming you, trying to get you to focus on eating rather than playing. But you were off in a flash- exploring, looking, touching, finding a new toy here and there. And I thought back to when you were so small, how we'd sit on this same couch, you in my arms for the longest time, sleeping, eating, and sleeping again. My hyper-awareness that those seconds were ticking by was so pronounced back then that I tried to make sure to take it all in, as much as I could. I desperately tried to hold on. I focused on every bit of it. I memorized what it felt like to hold you at a week old, I took a mental picture of the way it looked when you fell asleep with your head right in that space between my neck and chest. I imprinted your newborn smell and every tiny sound in my memory. So now when there are these instants when I can see you growing up in the very moment we're in, I am so grateful that I always reminded myself to go slow.
You change by the moment, and I teeter on this line of feeling so blue that you are growing up too fast, to feeling so happy that you are indeed growing up so fast. I can't wait to see who you become, and the little hints of the boy you're growing into has both your Dad and me so excited. But at the same time I miss the little newborn you were. The now will always win though, because with every day comes another milestone, a fresh discovery and the opportunity to make new memories. You're funny, sweet, so loving, incredibly independent and your adventurous spirit is already so apparent. I feel lucky to be your Mom.
As we approach your first birthday I know that time will always feel this fast, if not faster. I think I will always try and hold on to it somehow, but also I think that part of this journey I'm on is learning to let go, too.
Happy almost 10-months, Henry! We love you.
Labels: Dear Henry